Jack and Diane, cont...

My previous post was about "Jack" and "Diane". They had been high school, then college sweethearts. Diane was crazy about Jack and he adored her right back. Jack's mom was apparently less enthusiastic about the relationship, and one day she took Diane aside and informed her that she was "praying" Diane "out of this church and out of my family". Diane lost Jack, AND her church family. She was left hurt and angry. Jack and his family were what I call, "church royalty". You know the kind of family I'm talking about. Church Royalty are the "in" families - the kids are all plugged in and mom and dad are power volunteers. Their thoughts and opinions hold a lot of weight, and it's in the church's best interest to keep the "royalty" happy. I do know that the previous statement oozes cynicism, but you totally know what I'm talkin' about here. A few close friends supported Diane, but the church family let her down and she became seriously disillusioned with Christians, and sadly...with God. There are days when her negative feelings really bubble to the surface.

Diane is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer. Yep, she's a triple threat and directors are thrilled when she walks into their audition. Diane thoroughly enjoyed working as an actor with the local theatre company, and for a time she did shows at night, and worked in the box office during the day. Groups would often come in and buy out a performance for a company party, a family reunion, or a benefit for a worthy cause. The theatre is a beautiful intimate space and it seats 150 audience members. It was the holiday season and the box office was especially busy when a church pastor walked in to make the final payment on his reservation. He had bought out the theatre for a performance of "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever", and the church staff and a large number of parishioners were looking forward to a night out. Diane smiled and said, "How can I help you?" The pastor said, "Well, I know you told us we could invite 150 people to the show, but I have 10 more people who want to see the show and I'd like to pay for the extra people." Diane explained that the theatre only seated 150 people, and there was no way she could accommodate the pastor's request. He looked at Diane and said, "We are a church. We do NOT turn people away."

In Matthew 22, we read about how the Pharisees try to trap Jesus by asking Him about paying taxes. "Pay Caesar what is Caesar's and God what is God's." Of course it is noble that the pastor in this story did not want to "turn people away", but he signed a contract with the theatre for 150 seats and honoring that contract meant honoring God. What the pastor didn't realize was that he was furthering Diane's bitterness toward Christians. After what happened with Jack, his family, and her church, Diane lost her faith in God and God's kids. After his comment about not turning people away, the pastor who wanted more seats said, "you need to find a way to accommodate us", and he threw his check at Diane. He walked out of the theatre and Diane yelled out, "That is why I hate Christians!"

Come on believer, it is great to have a "we don't turn anyone away" mentality, but please respect the rules when dealing with businesses. When you act honorably, you are representing God in the truest light and salt way. When you act dishonorably, you're still saying something to someone about who God is, but it's not very nice. You might be talking to a "Diane" - a broken soul who is looking for a reason to trust again, or perhaps, a reason to keep NOT trusting. Either way, you are out there representing the God you claim to serve. Get off the pew and honor your contracts, as that truly honors God!

A lil' ditty 'bout Jack and Diane

"Jack" and "Diane" were two kids who had known one another since Junior High. They both grew up in Christian homes and they met at church. Jack and Diane started dating right around their junior year of high school and they were an awesome couple and so dynamic. It really was inspiring to watch those two talented and energetic personalities work together. They created an energy and synergy that was unmistakable wherever they went.

Jack and Diane were not without their faults and struggles - like the rest of us. Diane had a bit of a rough start in life. Her dad walked away from the family when she was just a little girl and her mom had remarried and then gave birth to Diane's little sister. The family floundered and searched for "something" for a long time, but finally found peace in having a relationship with Jesus Christ and a home in their church. Every once in a while, however, Diane still found herself missing her dad and asking questions that seemed to have no answer. Jack's family was wonderful. They welcomed her with open arms and Jack's mom even offered to mentor young Diane. Between Jack, his family, and the church, Diane found grace and solace. Diane and Jack both believed that one day they would marry, and after dating for a couple of years and serving as Junior High team leaders at church, they began dreaming about their future.

One day Diane was studying at Jack's house and when she left, she forgot one of her notebooks. The next morning she called the house and asked Jack's mom if she'd found the notebook. Yes, it had been found. Jack's mom said, "I'd really love to talk with you. Why don't we meet for coffee? I'll bring your notebook and we can chat." Diane was looking forward to having some alone time with Jack's mom and she remembered Mom's invitation to mentor her. This, she thought, would be a new chapter in her relationship with Jack and his family. They met at the appointed time and place. Jack's mom greeted Diane and gave her the notebook. Then, almost immediately, she pulled out her own notebook. She began to talk to Diane.

"In my hand", Jack's mom said, "I have a list of all the things I believe you've done wrong in your relationship with my son." Diane was stunned. Wait! Jack's mom went on. "For months now I've been praying you out of our family, and out of the church." Diane had barely spoken a word. Her head was spinning. "Does this mean you won't be mentoring me?” she thought. This thought was fleeting, for she clearly knew the answer to that question. In what seemed like a flash, Jack's mom was gone. Later that afternoon Diane's phone rang and her world changed forever. "Diane, it's Jack." Fighting back tears, he said something about it being "over" and that they "weren't right for each other", yada, yada, yada. When she showed up for church on Sunday she discovered that she would no longer be serving as a Junior High team leader. There was no real explanation, but Jack's mom had indeed "prayed" Diane out of the family and out of the church. Well, maybe she didn't "pray" her out, but somehow Mom had made it happen.

Several years ago I was standing in the buffet line at a woman's retreat, and I heard one guest tell her friend how she was "praying my daughter's boyfriend out of her life". Hmmm..... Wouldn't it be better to start praying someone "into" the kingdom, instead of "out of" the church, or the family? I KNOW what it feels like to want your child to get away from negative influences, believe me! But I also know that every person who comes into our life is another opportunity to share the gospel - to be Jesus with skin on. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus tells us to "love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you". Pray FOR your enemies, not AGAINST them! The latter, the Bible tells us, is the way of the world (SIN), not the way of the Lord!

Diane's walk with the Lord was forever changed that day. The truth is, that was the day she walked AWAY from God. Get off the pew believer, and walked TOWARD your enemy. If you can't bring yourself to physically be in the presence of your persecutor, then you need to love them and pray FOR them, not against them. Get off the pew!

Celebrate Recovery!

Alyssa is one of the worship leaders at our church. Like so many of us who work, or have worked, at church she has had to find ways to deal with the inevitable gossip and hypocrisy that goes on every day among God's kids. Alyssa finds strength in our church's Celebrate Recovery program.

Celebrate Recovery is a ministry for people recovering from addictions. These brave and awesome people are not recovering from just drug and alcohol addictions, but anything that has gotten in the way of life - pornography, work-aholism, emotional and physical abuse, etc... CR address all our "hurts, habits, and hangups". Alyssa just loves the openness and transparency of the wonderful, authentic attendees. Yesterday Alyssa made a statement that has really stuck with me. She said, "I go to CR on Thursday nights so I can have the strength to face the congregation on Sunday." She says that being around people who have real problems and who speak openly about their struggles is what gives her courage to face the people that "have it all together".

Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, shouldn't going to church on Sunday give us the sustenance and strength to go out "into the world" for the rest of the week? Shouldn't the Sunday experience be one that gives us insight into how to love and accept the addicts out there? Alyssa is right! It is when we are around authentic Christians, warts and all, that we learn to love and minister to the hurting and helpless. Sitting on a pew next to the perfectly dressed "I've got it all together and you should to" pew-sitter doesn't encourage and revive us the way honest truth telling can.

Wouldn't it be amazing if our churches moved away from the "traditional" service and into houses of real celebration! If parishioners started openly sharing their "hurts, habits, and hangups" and talking about our daily struggles AND our daily victories, our churches would be a welcome respite from an oft crazy and over-whelming life! I want to be in THAT kind of a church. Get off the pew!!

Yep, all the stories are true

All the stories in this blog are absolutely true. Many of them are about me, but the names have all been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I LOVE the church and I LOVE God's kids, but the world doesn't always see us in the most positive light. We deserve much of the criticism. They are watching how we treat one another, and we aren't always very kind to our own family members. However, I totally believe that if we would accept our foibles and weaknesses and let God shine His light into that which has been hidden in darkness, we could attract people in a new and exciting way!

Get off the pew and let the world see your scars. Let them see your weaknesses. Let them see that we have to turn to God for strength and forgiveness on a daily basis. Show the world that we really believe that ALL things are possible through Christ who gives us strength! We don't offer the world a promise of perfection! We offer the world a promise of forgiveness and hope!

Get off the pew!

Hurricane Church

Miss "V" was a worship leader in a vibrant, growing, exciting church. She is a gifted musician, has a beautiful heart and an unwavering love for the lost and hurting. Several months ago Miss "V" found herself in unfamiliar territory. She had an unexplained hole in her heart. She was unfulfilled in her personal relationships and she was in pain. Like so many of us, Miss "V" began looking for ways to fill that hole - a drink now and then with her church friends (yes, her church friends), shopping, selfish pursuits, etc... Nothing was filling the growing abyss in her heart. Finally, she turned to the church leadership and confessed that she was struggling. She asked for help and support. Instead, she was told that there was no room at that church for someone who was "weak" and "confused" - at least not in leadership. And just like that...she was no longer a part of the church family she loved and leaned on.

Okay, I totally get the fact that if you are in church leadership, you (we) should live a life above reproach. But, Miss "V" wasn't living in sin. She hadn't fallen. She hadn't killed anyone. She simply admitted that she was (gasp) human! She wasn't asked to simply leave her leadership role, but she was asked to leave the church all together. Why? We Christians have a tendency to shoot our wounded. When a racehorse breaks his leg, he is no longer able to pull his own weight (both literally and figuratively) and he is put down. I've seen more than a few spiritual racehorses lose their footing and suffer a break. More often then not, we shoot them.

On August 28, 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the southern coast of the United States with devastating force. While the initial damage to New Orleans and other cities along the gulf shore were not crushing, the break in the levees and the ensuing floods proved to be catastrophic. The survivors of that deadly storm not only lost their homes, but they lost their neighborhoods. A house can be replaced, but a neighborhood? Counselors will tell you that the emotional recovery from a hurricane can take years and years, because replacing a neighborhood is much more difficult than simply rebuilding a structure. Hurricane survivors lose their grocery store, their pharmacy, and their local sandwich shop. They also lose the neighbors who shared their street for 10 years, or 30 years, or 50 years. When we lose our church, we don't just lose a building! We lose our place of worship, our social group, our volunteer outlet, the neighbors we pray for and wave at each and every week, and sometimes - our job. We lose our whole life! Hurricane Katrina swooped in, did her damage, and swooped out without stopping to help one single victim along her destructive path. Churches do the same thing. Like a hurricane, they cut a big chunk out of someone's life, then never look back to see the death and mayhem left behind. We're talking about lives here, people! Living, breathing, fragile lives!

Miss "V" is still suffering. She's looking for a neighborhood to replace the one she was forced to leave behind. She's still cleaning up the mess left by "Hurricane Church" and she misses her friends and neighbors. Be gentle with her.

We've gotta stop shooting our wounded. I'm not advocating letting sin run amok and without accountability, but we are dealing with real flesh and blood people. Are you, in your fervor to grow a church leadership who is above reproach, roaring like a hurricane? Slow down. Get off the pew and look behind you. Have you swept over someone who needs help getting up? Miss "V" will be a "been there, done that" advocate for God's grace, but only if we love her and welcome her back to the neighborhood!

It's Not Gossip...It's Discernment

It's crazy easy to make big sweeping assumptions about the people closest to us. It's certainly easier to jump to conclusions then to actually communicate. This is a problem, and it's a particularly big problem in the church. Of course we don't call it "assumptions", we are Christians and we speak fluent "Christianese". When we are gossiping with believers about other believers we use spiritual sounding words like "gift of discernment" or (like one friend used to say) "spiritual antenna". My friend used to say, "Whenever I'm around so-and-so, my spiritual antenna goes up", and then she would go on to tell me how she suspected so-and-so of adultery or some other bad behavior. But it's okay because the gossip session always ends with "we need to keep the family in our prayers".

One afternoon, after months of conflict, I was finally able to get a woman who I had considered a dear friend to tell me what I'd done to upset her. She made many accusations, including this one: "One day you were walking towards me in the hallway at church. When you saw me, you turned and walked the other way. I have no choice but to assume you are jealous of me." What? What!!!?? No choice? Assume? Really?

Eliot Spitzer was the governor of New York and he had to step down in disgrace when it was revealed that he was a frequent costumer of a prostitute. The irony was that Governor Spitzer had been a vocal opponent to prostitution and had been trying to shut down illegal sex rings for years. Psychologists came out in droves to explain to John Q. Public that it is human nature to condemn the same flaws in others that we are trying to hide in ourselves. We think that by deflecting attention off of us, we will successfully hide our sins from the world.

Several years ago a much loved local pastor had to leave the pulpit when knowledge of an extra-marital affair came to light. Just a few weeks ago an acquaintance of mine told me that the pastor hadn't changed and was not repentant. I asked her how she knew that. "I just do!" That pastor, however, has become a public speaker who encourages others and helps people find healing and restoration. I am not inside the pastor's head and I can't begin to assume to know his heart. I do see, however, that what Satan meant for evil, God is using for His good and glory.

We don't know what motivates people to say and do the things they say and do. Heck, we don't always know what motivates US! It would serve us, both personally and corporately, if we were quick to communicate and slow to assume. Do you sit in your pew and point out the weaknesses, sins, and foibles all God's kids? We're just like you - sinners saved by grace. Let's stop pointing fingers at each other. Instead, let's give one another a hand of compassion and support. Let's get of the pew of gossip and onto the road of peace and restoration.

Serving The "After Church On Sunday" Crowd

Like you, perhaps, I have many family members who work in restaurant service. There is one thing they ALL agree on - they hate serving the "after church on Sunday" crowd. Maybe they're all grumpy because the pastor preached too long. Perhaps they're ticked off because someone cut them off in the church parking lot. Whatever the reason, many of the eatin-out-on-Sunday Christians are just plain rude!

Often pastors of large churches show up for lunch at a nice restaurant with their entourage in tow. The pastor talks loud, calls the waitresses "honey", and waves obnoxiously at parishioners as they come into the restaurant. These church leaders absolutely act like they are rock stars!

The older female Sunday costumer is one of the most feared among restaurant wait staff. They are picky and finicky, and oh so nasty if their order doesn't arrive in their idea of a timely fashion. I've heard of food getting sent back because it wasn't the expected temperature, wasn't presented as pictured on the menu, or many other minor infractions. Costumers have left evangelistic pamphlets, or "ask me about Jesus" business cards instead of a tip. The finicky tightly wound church ladies will sometimes leave a couple of quarters, or a few dimes for the tip on a pretty big bill. The rock star pastor, however, is often the worst tipper. They'll pay for the meals of their entire entourage, then leave a piddly couple-a bucks for the hard working server.

Listen up...restaurant servers are some of the hardest working people out there. They work long hours, are on their feet nearly all day, and have to smile no matter how rude the patron. They, like you, sometimes have a bad day. Many of them are supporting families and children and they depend on the tip money to put gas in their tanks, or food in the tummies of their babies. Your server may be looking for "something" to make their life worth while and maybe that something is Jesus. When you come in on Sunday dressed to the nines, your server KNOWS you've just come from church. Your witness to those workers begins the minute you pull into the parking lot. You are Jesus with skin on to your server. What does the picture you are painting look like to the single mom or young father who serves you your Sunday lunch? When you get off the pew - take Jesus with you. You might order up a steak AND serve up a good healthy helping of God to a person in need. Get off the pew!

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely!

“Maria, you are on a dangerous path.” Today, several years after hearing those words on the other end of the phone line, the memory still stings. Maria had asked a question of a pastor and now she was being warned by an associate pastor to stop asking such questions! Unbelievable!

Absolute power corrupts, absolutely! Who among us would challenge that statement? I submit to you that none of us would! After all, we only have to look at politicians to see living examples of how power corrupts. Surely power and corruption never happens in the church…right? Well, we all know the answer to that question. Corrupt happens! Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Baker, Ted Haggard, Dr. Jeremiah Wright – these are high profile religious leaders whose names and less than flattering stories come immediately to mind. These men have corrupted their families, friends, and the reputation of God, His people, and His message. These men didn’t start out as powerful spiritual leaders, but like all of us, they started simply and quietly. As their ministries grew, their power grew. As their power grew, people around them stopped asking questions. The only way to avoid pride-fuelled corruption is to keep people close to you, and then give them permission to be honest and to hold you accountable.

Pastor H. had seen Maria’s gifts and talents in the area of the performing arts, and he had enlisted her help in growing the ministry in his church. There were several other people on the creative arts team, as well. Maria loved being a part of the team and these people were more than colleagues – they were friends. For several months before the phone call, however, there had been discontent stirring among the team members. Why is it that the choir and drama ministries in churches are always so full of…well…drama? Okay, that’s a whole other blog, for sure! Anyway, one day Pastor H. called Maria up and asked her to step down from the team. When she asked why he said, “I’m in charge and I don’t want you to make me feel like I’m in a box. This is my decision.” Maria wasn’t questioning the pastor’s authority, “but,” she said, “you’ve just made a decision about my life and my ministry and I want to know why.” “Because I’m in charge.” And, that was that.

It was soon after that conversation with Pastor H., that his associate, Pastor B. called Maria. “You are on a dangerous path. You should not question men in spiritual authority over you. This trend is very dangerous.” Um…. that could not be further from biblical truth! 1 John 4:1 tells us to “test the spirits and see if they are from God” because “many false prophets have gone out into the world”. Listen friend, if you’ve got a pastor who won’t let you ask “why”, that is a major red flag about the man and his ministry. He should be able to support his decision with scripture. Matthew 23:13 warns teachers and church leaders with these words, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.” If Maria had been a baby Christian she might very well have walked away from God altogether. After all, when a religious leader says, “do this ‘cause I said so”, that’s really cult-like and I would advise any young Christian to run screaming from that leader, and into the arms of a more mature believer!

It would be several years before Maria learned the truth. It seems that one of the other creative arts team members was saying things behind her back and that team member eventually won the leadership position that Maria had once held. Maria not only lost a ministry she cared deeply about, but she lost a family she had trusted and loved.

Is there discontent on your church team? Settle it! Are you a pastor in leadership over a rowdy rag-tag group? Look, it is your job to seek the truth, follow the principles of reconciliation found in Matthew 18, and to teach your team to work together as one body. Is someone coming to you with suspicions or gossip about another believer? Remind both the gossiper and yourself of the truth found in 1 Samuel 16:7, “man looks on the outward appearances, but God looks on the heart.” I’ll go one further here – man can ONLY see the outside, God ONLY sees the hearts. Don’t make assumptions about your team members, as that’ll destroy a team faster than anything. Get of the pew! Be seekers of truth and peace!

Sitting Next To The Walking Wounded

I learned yesterday that a woman who attends our church took her own life this past weekend. Mary was a wife, a mom, and a grandmother! She was struggling with deep depression and in the end – the loneliness and sadness won and she ended her pain in the only way she could. I guess…

This blog is called, “Get Off The Pew” because I wanted to challenge you and me to do just that – get off the pew, out of our comfort zone, and into the body where we can affect change and really touch people. Each Sunday I watch people come into the church and sit in the same pew, with the same group, week after week after week after week. A couple Sundays back I saw a woman count the pews as she came down the aisle – she had to make sure she got her seat! One Sunday morning several years ago, a woman came down to the second row of the mega church we attended and saw a stranger sitting in the pew where she and her husband usually sat. She tapped the shoulder of the lady sitting in that spot and said, “Excuse me, but this is our seat.” The visitor smiled and said, “Oh I’m sorry, I’ll move.” I wonder what went through the mind of the regular attendee when the stranger was introduced to the congregation as the wife of a new staff pastor!

I want to issue a challenge. This Sunday, shake things up a bit at your church. Sit in a different pew! That’s right – mix it up! Hey, if ya wanna get really crazy, attend the 9:30 service instead of the 8:00! Strike up a conversation with the people who regularly occupy a seat on the other side of the sanctuary. You might find a new friend. You might find someone who is terribly lonely and sad, and who is just dying for someone to sit next to her and give her a reason to hope. The walking wounded are all around us! Who knows, you might end up sitting next to someone like Mary – and maybe, just maybe, your touch will be enough to keep her from killing herself. Get off the pew. Get off YOUR pew!

Church Cyber-bullies

A friend stopped me at church yesterday to share her frustration and fear. A bit of second hand information reached the ear of one of the church gossips, and she has decided to give my friend a piece of her mind. In today’s world juicy gossip can be spread among friends and enemies alike in a matter of a few nanoseconds, thanks to email, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, blogs, etc…. A few words sent out into cyber-space can bring giggles and joy, or they can inflict pain and needless suffering. My friend is experiencing the latter and she is being cyber-bullied by a member of the church family!

According to the Cyberbullying Research Center (yes, there is such a place!) cyber-bullying can be identified as, “willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.” Cyber-bullying has grown to epidemic proportions in the United States. You may remember a Missouri mom who was charged with several felonies when her Myspace Internet hoax resulted in the suicide of a 13-year-old girl. The mom was eventually convicted on several misdemeanors, but that doesn’t change the fact that the grown woman is a cyber-bully whose cruelties lead to the death of a child! When a church bully goes after a fellow parishioner, there is rarely any real consequence because everyone encourages grace. More often than not, the innocent victim leaves the church and the bully wins!

A woman who calls herself a “Christian”, has been posting hateful messages to my friend’s Facebook in-box. The Christian has taken a very pious position and is calling my friend names and has even threatened to go the church leaders to let them know “the truth”. I say, “Bring it on”. Many of us have been bullied by the name-calling and rock-throwing of loud church Pharisees. These stone-throwers are very often masters at manipulating scripture to prove their own misguided point, and they confuse their victim by misusing God’s word. In Matthew, chapter 4 we read that Jesus was tempted by Satan. Satan said in verse 6, "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: " 'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.' But Jesus also knew scripture and He wasn’t going to allow Satan to twist God’s word to scare Him into doing something that was outside of God’s will for Him. Verse 7 - Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

Matthew, chapter 18 gives clear instructions on how to handle knowledge of wrong doing (sin) of a fellow believer. We are to first go to the person privately and express our concerns. Then, if there is no resolution, we take someone with us to bear witness to what is being said. If there is still no resolution, we are to go the church, and if the church can’t resolve things – we wipe their dust from our feet and move on.

My friend is being accused of something that NEVER HAPPENED!! Gossip is a TERRIBLE thing and it eats through people and churches like piranha on a gold fish! So, the gossip wants to “reveal” my friend to the church leaders? Bring it on! If, however, my friend can convince the church piranha to follow the instructions of Matthew, chapter 18, then she will have won a friend and spared others from suffering the same kind of stoning. Get off the pew and put an end to church gossip and spiritual piranhas! Come on people…Get off the pew!