When Pastors Choose Our Friends

Is it ever okay for a pastor to tell a parishioner who said parishioner can and cannot have as a friend?

An acquaintance of mine was in the middle of a casual conversation with her pastor the other day, when he told her that he would rather she not be friends with someone. She became understandably defensive.

“Are you really telling me with whom I can be friends?”

“I’m just telling you to be careful.” He went on to explain how the person in question was an inferior Christian and therefore – inferior friend material.

Jesus modeled for us the example of how to be friends with people we “ought not” be friends with. Jesus was totally politically incorrect when he approached the Samaritan woman at the well. He talked with her, encouraged her, challenged her, and then sent her off to become the first evangelist.

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” John 4:39

When we stand in the way of friendships, we reveal our own insecurities, judgmental heart, critical spirit, and phobias. So many pastors have become arrogant and prideful. They seem to truly believe they and they alone know how to make right and good choices. 

The number of pastor/teachers who seem to believe it’s their God-given right to literally direct every aspect of the believer’s life shouldn’t surprise me. I see it all the time.

Get off the pew and go make an unlikely friend today. Go. Go!

When Preachers are Steamrollers

A young preacher was hired to lead one of the large churches on the Northwest side of our city. One of his favorite mantras over the past year-and-a-half has been, “I’d rather do something and make a mistake, then do nothing.”

So, Pastor W. has done a whole lot of somethings and has made a whole lot of mistakes. Sadly, many of his missteps have left wounded and broken people in their wake. Is that fair?

My question today is, at what point should a church board or council step in and decide enough is enough?

Pastor W. fired several long-time church employees and replaced them with younger, hipper staffers. He was new to our area when he was installed and he knew no one. He hired several people who swooped in and impressed the new guy, but who had little work experience. Some of those laborers didn’t work out so well. So, faithful long-time employees are out of work, and the church is still short-staffed because the younger, hipper new-hirers got in way over their heads.

Two decades ago the church family raised the funds to build a gym that could accommodate the needs of the growing kids and teens. It was an especially important project for the then-pastor because he recognized that without kids the church dies. It was a magnificent building—basketball court, moveable stage, tons of room—an all-purpose family life center.

The preacher who oversaw the building of that center passed away a few years ago. I wonder what he would say now that the gathering place for kids and families has been remodeled into a second Sanctuary, and is no longer basketball or kid friendly.

Under Pastor W’s leadership, Sunday school classes have been cancelled, events are no more, ministries were told to roll up their banners and call it quits, and Bible study groups have been disbanded. Services have been added and subtracted, and the “direction of the church” has changed four or five times in less than 2 years.

Not everyone is as ADD as the young new pastor, and parishioners can be slow to change. You know, Christians love their church. They love the choir, their Sunday school teacher, the nursery “cuddlers” who invest in their kids and grandkids, and the friendly face that greets them with a warm handshake every Sunday morning.

Change is good. Change is necessary. Without change there is no growth. But is there such a thing as moving too fast? What happens to the church body when you steamroll over it? People have hearts and relationships and feelings. Christians are like everybody else—we need to find a place where we belong.

Is steamrolling over folks and their ideas really the best way for Pastor W. to grow the church? People are leaving in droves, while others are sitting and stewing in their pew of anger and disappointment. The church board is “trusting God”.

I firmly believe that change is a GREAT thing and is imperative for new growth. I don’t know what the answer is, but I think that pride gets in the way when good men put more value in their ideas then they do on the feelings and needs of the people who hired them. We get mad at politicians who do that and we fire them! But when a pastor does the same thing, we often get angry, hurt, or bitter, and leave the body. Some of us have spoken up, but we’ve been chastised by pew-sitters for doing so.

I don’t know the answer, but we’ve got to do better. Get off the pew and do better!

No Suit Required

“This pastor is changing things and we don’t like it. He wants people to stop wearing suits to church!”

A couple in their mid-40’s had only been coming to the church for a couple of months when they decided to go to one of the weekly dinners that are served on the large campus. They ended up sitting at a small table with a suit-wearing, sour-faced, ugly-talking older man and his wife. The crotchety couple didn’t waste time giving their tablemates an ear full.

They were, they boasted, founding members of the church and there are rules—ways of doing things around here. The new pastor, they said, didn’t respect the “traditions” of this old church.

The church I attend hired a new pastor/teacher eight months ago. The much beloved preacher he replaced retired after 44 years at the same pulpit. The outgoing leader was the only minister many in the congregation had ever known.

The new guy is a very young 48 years old. The man who retired was in his 70’s and he definitely came from a different era. His preaching style reflected his this-is-how-you-do-it confidence. No one could deliver a hellfire and brimstone sermon like the old-school minister.

Most of the staff pastors at the mega-church have been around for many, many years. They are used to doing things their way, and true accountability has kind of fallen by the wayside. A “good ol’ boy” mentality prevails.

So, in comes someone new and he’s ready to move the parishioners into the modern era, even if he has to drag the old-fashioned church kicking and screaming into the 21^st century. He brings change to the table and, let's be real, change is met with opposition 100% of the time.

Pastor New Guy offers weekly “get to know me” gatherings. I’ve been to several of these small group meetings where people are allowed to ask questions, raise concerns, voice their objections, and discuss the challenges that come with this type of transition.

The husband and his wife raised their hands and asked the pastor the question, “Are you really telling men they can no longer wear suits to church?”

“What?” Pastor New Guy was truly shocked. “Who told you that?”

The visitors related the strange conversation they’d had only an hour before. They told us they were sitting alone at a small table where the dinners are served when the old man and his wife asked if they could join them. As soon as the gray-haired man learned the younger couple was new to the church, he began bad mouthing the new pastor.

As I sat listening to this tale I was getting angrier by the second. Luckily, I didn’t have to open my mouth. Our lead pastor was plenty enough outraged.

“I didn’t say they couldn’t wear suits to church. I said they have the freedom to not wear suits to church.”

“If we hadn’t been Christians for our whole life, we might have been really offended by them.” The couple was being sweet about the ugly encounter.

“How do they know?” Pastor’s frustration was palpable. “How do they know you’re not a new believer? This is the way the ‘founding members’ of the church are talking to new attendees?”

No wonder the church stopped growing 10 years ago!

Listen up; Jesus doesn’t care whether or not you wear a suit to church! He doesn’t care about designer shoes, name-brand labels, or smart jewelry. Jesus just wants to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

Most of us have heard that church is a hospital for the sick and Jesus is the healer. A pastor friend of mine takes that analogy further. He says churches are like hospitals—you have to be extra careful to not contract an infection worse than the one you came in with.

Have you been infected with negativity, gossip mongering, pride, a judgmental attitude, or legalism? Get off the pew and take it to the great physician. Come to Jesus just as you are…no suit required! Get off the pew!